Den of Iniquity

Denimisms

You are unique. Just like everyone else.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Sorry for the delay.

Think positive! But buy insurance.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. But that doesn't mean you have to pay for it.

Never go to bed angry. Sleep on the couch.

Never say never. Except when you say never say never.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Unless they're on your side of the bed.

Don't spit in the wind. Or in the food if you work at a restaurant.

You are your brother's keeper. That’s why I decided to be an only child.

There's a fool born every minute. Then they grow up and vote.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Three or more is politics.

A penny saved is a penny taxed.

People come and people go. But cockroaches are forever.

All good things must come to an end. That's why God gave us divorce.

You can't judge a book by its cover. That’s why it has a dust jacket.

What you see is what you get. Be careful what you look at.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Unless you're selling fresh eggs.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. What are fuchsia? I haven't a clue.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Or how much of it I caused.

You can't keep a good man down. Not since Viagra.

They say life begins at forty. That should end the abortion debate.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. So, let's stop wasting money on cancer research.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But a pound of cure is covered by insurance and gets a lot more sympathy.

Please listen very carefully, because I'm only going to say this once. Huh?

Go for the gusto! And don’t hurry back.

Reach for the stars! Wear deodorant.

You're only as old as you feel. But good luck getting your driver's license corrected.

Two heads are better than one. Unless you called tails.

You don't know what you've got til it's gone. But as long as it's cured, who cares what it's called?

Life is like a box of chocolates. You’ll do almost anything to get a piece.

Women are most beautiful when they aren't trying to be.

No man is an island. From there, geography gets confusing.

It's lonely at the top. There are career opportunities for hookers up there.

Never volunteer to hold the dart board.

Never let them see you sweat. Until the boss comes around.

They say that what you don't know won't hurt you. I guess they have never heard of black ice or final exams.

It's springtime, and love is in the air. That’s what causes global warming.

My mother used to tell me to not leave food, because people in other countries were starving. So I helped them by eating the whole apple pie.

Live each day as if it is your last. But remember, you could spend a lot of time in jail if your timing is off.

Opposites attract. Divorce lawyers count on it.

Every cloud has a silver lining. If only we could get our mining equipment up there.

Did you hear about the drug dealer who filed for worker's comp? He fell through the crack.

"I do" and "IQ" never belong in the same sentence. Except that one.

I'm not mentally disturbed like my other personalities, but they have more fun.

You Don't Say!

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

--Elizabeth Taylor

Never give up!

--France

The customer is always right.

--The Customer

Cleanliness is next to godliness. So keep hope in your soul, and soap in your hole.

--Procter & Gamble