|Posted on July 7, 2017 at 9:30 PM|
Me: You have a troubled marriage.
Me: There's been a recent death in the family.
Me: You're havin...Read Full Post »
|Posted on July 5, 2017 at 11:30 AM|
Mary got my little goat.
A bird in the hand is worth a pound of cure.
Never put off until tomorrow never comes.
Judge not, lest ye be all that ye can be.
Never bite off more than m...Read Full Post »
|Posted on November 19, 2016 at 11:55 PM|
In the beginning, God said, let there be light. And there was Bud Lite. And God tasted it. And it was good. And God appeared to his prophets, Anheuser and Busch, and he said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply. And Busch said, My God, we aren't gay!...Read Full Post »
|Posted on August 9, 2016 at 12:50 AM|
Since the dawn of civilization, man has struggled to understand himself and his environment. What is the meaning of life? Is there life after death? How can we explain man's inhumanity to man? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Are brown eggs better than white?
Fret not, I will reveal all. Let's start wit...Read Full Post »
|Posted on August 9, 2016 at 12:45 AM|
Big ol' fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite'em;
Little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.
Read Full Post »
|Posted on August 9, 2016 at 12:35 AM|
Beelzebulb: A light bulb that breaks in the socket.
Beelzebus: How devils get around.
Beelzebug: A wasp buzzing around your head.
Beelzebuns: Why Lucifer needs to work out.
Beelzeburbs: Where affluent sinners live.
Beelz...Read Full Post »
|Posted on July 13, 2016 at 8:20 PM|
You might be a geezer if . . .
- you have more grandkids than teeth.
- your afterlife is all set, but your social life Depends.
- your senior discount and your IQ have roughly evened out.
- running for office is about a doctor, not an election.
- you offer to help someo...
|Posted on July 13, 2016 at 8:15 PM|
You Might as Well Live
Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful
Gas smells awful
You migh...Read Full Post »
|Posted on July 13, 2016 at 8:10 PM|
Paraprosdokians & Other Quips
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. There aren't many things on my list.
- War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I sa...
|Posted on July 13, 2016 at 7:30 PM|
Two explanations being otherwise equal,
the simpler one is better.
Two vehicles being otherwise equal,
the more expensive one is sex...Read Full Post »
|Posted on July 2, 2016 at 12:00 AM|
You are unique. Just like everyone else.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Sorry for the delay.
Think positive! But buy insurance.
There's no such thing as a free lunch. But that doesn't mean you have to pay for it.Read Full Post »
|Posted on July 1, 2016 at 3:10 PM|
Every living person has the power to get everything they want in life. Here's my easy, guaranteed one-step formula:
Just stop wanting the things you can't have.
* * * * *
A friend of mine brought his pretty young niece to th...Read Full Post »