Den of Iniquity

           Psych

Me: You have a troubled marriage.

Her: No.

Me: There's been a recent death in the family.

Her: No.

Me: You're havin...

          Cliché Soufflé

Mary got my little goat.

A bird in the hand is worth a pound of cure.

Never put off until tomorrow never comes.

Judge not, lest ye be all that ye can be.

Never bite off more than m...

Creation

In the beginning, God said, let there be light. And there was Bud Lite. And God tasted it. And it was good. And God appeared to his prophets, Anheuser and Busch, and he said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply. And Busch said, My God, we aren't gay!...

Great Eggspectations

Since the dawn of civilization, man has struggled to understand himself and his environment. What is the meaning of life? Is there life after death? How can we explain man's inhumanity to man? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Are brown eggs better than white?

Fret not, I will reveal all. Let's start wit...

                                   Fleas

Big ol' fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite'em;

Little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.

BeelzeBlurbs

Beelzebulb: A light bulb that breaks in the socket.

Beelzebus: How devils get around.

Beelzebug: A wasp buzzing around your head.

Beelzebuns: Why Lucifer needs to work out.

Beelzeburbs: Where affluent sinners live.

Beelz...

You might be a geezer if . . .

• you have more grandkids than teeth.
• your afterlife is all set, but your social life Depends.
• your senior discount and your IQ have roughly evened out.
• running for office is about a doctor, not an election.
• you offer to help someo...

You Might as Well Live

Razors pain you

Rivers are damp

Acids stain you

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful

Nooses give

Gas smells awful

You migh...

Paraprosdokians & Other Quips

• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. There aren't many things on my list.
• War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• I didn't say it was your fault, I sa...

Occam Schnocham

Occam's Razer:

Two explanations being otherwise equal,

the simpler one is better.

Occam's Hummer:

Two vehicles being otherwise equal,

the more expensive one is sex...

Denimisms

You are unique. Just like everyone else.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Sorry for the delay.

Think positive! But buy insurance.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. But that doesn't mean you have to pay for it.

Nuggets

Every living person has the power to get everything they want in life. Here's my easy, guaranteed one-step formula:

Just stop wanting the things you can't have.

* * * * *

A friend of mine brought his pretty young niece to th...